Comedy

Useless monologue.

I think my stress levels are going down, possibly. But at the same time I think I’m one small crisis away from becoming a Hollywood-style angry teen who deals with his problems by using the art of interpretative dance.

Someone should definitely turn this into a movie, or perhaps a book. I could have Elijah Wood play me and have Nicolas Cage as the main antagonist. Michael Bae could produce it too, maybe.
Now that I think about it… a book would be better.

My unintelligent friend Corran put this idea into my head in one of his headstrong attempts at being wise and moderately funny. But lately it has become a rather touching subject over the dinner table. Accompanied by my parents forever disappointed faces glaring at me like those floodlights you have on football pitches. I don’t even see why, it’s not as though people even play football on those bloody things in the first place. It’s just full of drug addicted hooligans and sweet wrappers. Apart from all of this, it seems that I’ve been making more music as of lately, so that’s pretty nice. I’m currently working on my second instalment of my cliché, generic pop punk project thing. I could be the Rick Astley of punk.

I’m not sure if that’s a good thing…

Even so, good ole Dick Spatsley was very successful and his new album wasn’t terrible, so I guess those are two good things about him. I’m debating calling this guy I don’t like at college Rick Astley, because that dude is never gonna give up making my life a misery.

Let’s call this guy Gerald.

Gerald enjoys making my life hell by constantly making comments about me to people on my course with no good reason, despite the fact I have genuinely disturbing things I’ve been told about him, those are my Nuclear Launch Codes so to speak, I heard a particularly Juicy rumour about him, another guy and feet. I think that’s all I can stomach of that conversation for now.

I guess the moral of the story is always “If you’re not dead there’s no point questioning the world around you because there will always be someone who’ll want to make your life a living hell”.

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Maria Sharapova Drug Abuse Scandal

Maria Sharapova is under increasing pressure to explain the how’s and why’s of her UN-NEEDED use the medication Meldonium, which is often prescribed for Heart Failure and Angina, but conveniently for Maria Sharapova it is also known to increase aerobic and physical ability.

Meldonium

It even LOOKS like a cheating drug, look at it’s beady eyes and it’s shifty figure, it looks like the kind of drug that would run off to Brazil with your wife to live in it’s lovely Summer house and go on bi-weekly camping holidays on its nice Rivera-branded Yacht and have lovely campfires on a beachside yurt while talking about British subjects like the weather.

Players were told five times in December that drug would be banned, and considering the drug is only supposed to be used for a TYPICAL PERIOD 4-6 weeks, surely if she was using it for legitimate purposes, she’d have finished by now, right?

Nope, she’s been using this for 10 years, and considering it’s so strong that it should be used for 3 MONTHS AT MAXIMUM, I can’t even begin to imagine how much effect this has had, and the potential DANGER she is under.mildronat-ampuly-svetlaya_1000x1000w

So if you see this dangerous character (pictured right) approach with caution, as this drug is highly dangerous and is a force to be reckoned with.

“I was walking to my local shop one day, and out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a rather shifty character on the street corner, with his arm leaned upon a Volkswagen Passat, he spoke with a strong Russian accent and in broken English,

I should have known he was dangerous when I noticed he was a 4″ inch tall box of pills, wearing a hat which covered the most of his eyes.

Before I knew it I was in the back of a 3 door Volkswagen Passat with a really scary looking Asparin sitting in the seat next to me, thankfully I was saved, due to the fact that there was no water to down the pills, so I was safe, and got away unharmed.”

However, this criminal is still on the loose on the streets of Croydon, and if you see him, contact the local authorities promptly, and do not under any circumstances make contact with what appears to be a 27 year old male, pill box. Has a long black beard and is always the driver.

I guess we’ll see Maria Sharapova in court, or I guess not, considering she’s being suspended from Tennis.

Have a super wonderful day!
~James